if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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