who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
organizing the empties. That sober.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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