the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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