"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
