Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
