the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
