Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
