She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
thus making me awesome and them whores
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
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