A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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