Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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