Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
