do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
