pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
