please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
