I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
