Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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