Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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