I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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