mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I skipped work to stalk him.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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