as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
