There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
