It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
