I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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