Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
