so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
