would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
