i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
