so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
