if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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