drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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