I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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