come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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