Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
