dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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