1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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