I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
