then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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