I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
