Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
