I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
