I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
