Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
