I wannas sexs uuuuu
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
