there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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