If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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