im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
