Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
