The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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