It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
