She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
