Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
