Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
