My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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