I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
